Stress and Overwhelmed

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

And here it goes, the realm of the drama queen - if you don't want to listen to the semi-emo depressing rants of someone who at the moment hates the world, please stop reading now.

Be Warned Of A General Lack Of Coherency From This Point On

I HATE EMAIL AND I HATE MY JOB AND RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT I HATE MY LIFE. Yes I used all caps purposefully, because I'm screaming inside my head. Not out loud yet, but inside my head. All I was trying to do was keep my Gmail inbox clean of the random crapola that gets dumped in my Yahoo account due to the many sorority list serves I'm on. But do you know what Gmail has that Yahoo does not? The ability to UNSEND - which is in my personal opinion a godsend. I mean - sometimes you fuck it up. Sometimes your grammar is wrong or your spelling is out of whack or sometimes, just some special times, you have the COMPLETELY WRONG ADDRESS IN THE SEND FIELD. But what can you do after hitting that button? Well in my case completely freak out - at least on the inside.

I'm pretty positive my need for control over everything around me has to do with my family. When your family is fucked up you have pretty much no control and so I think that for me that's channeled into me being a somewhat hyper type-A personality. Someone who likes to volunteer, step in, raise her hand and accept one more fucking responsibility. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with me. Right now I'd rather just go be a fucking hermit, one that sits there with her books and her clothes and her make-up and only maybe goes out in the world. Going out in the world it what hurts, going out in the world is what leads to fuck-ups and disappointments and generally unhappiness.

And - here comes more emo (watch out) - it does make me ask myself, how much is the happiness worth it? Yes it's good to have friends and loved ones and I don't know, go out, but how much does the chance of unhappiness weigh against that? Yes it's just a chance, yes people should be strong and go out and evolve! Well fuck them. They've probably had enough therapy that the idea of going out doesn't give them panic attacks. I think the only reason I don't get panic attacks or ulcers is that 90% of the time I'm so numb I can't even feel enough to get them.

Instead I get random rants of horrible unhappiness. Sometimes with tears, sometimes not. My world is horribly unfair - yes I'm sure there is a sister or a friend or a family member that can help remind me that the good stuff is there too, but I've forgotten. Right this second I've forgotten. All I seem to be is a speaking stick that can help do this or help do that or fill out this form. Not a person, not someone who knows anything about what they're doing or what's going to happen. I feel completely impotent to fate and sometimes it really does seem like I would be better off just not in it.
Or at least, just not responsibly for anything or maybe floating around in a drugged haze. Yeah, that would probably be better.

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