Who? What? Where? How? Why?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I have two big fears about my life 1) that I'll never figure out what I'm most passionate about and, 2) that I'll always be unsatisfied about the state of my love life. I use those words pretty deliberately, because it's not that I need to be married with 2.5 kids, I just want to feel complete in whatever I'm doing. I want to feel that the choices I'm making are my own and not caused by fear of the unknown or fear of failure. I think my childhood definitely turned me into a uniquely type-A personality, which I think leads into my biggest fears.

I have always been driven to do well- maybe because I don't know how not to or maybe it's because it was the easiest and fastest way to gain approval and praise. But at this point in my life it's not about all the things I do well, I want to know about those things at which I'm great. It's terrifying to me to imagine that I'm going to die knowing I was good at a lot and never fantastic at anything. It's kind of like I'm being damned with faint praise, you know? Still, finding out what I'm great at apparently doesn't make into a person who want's to compete the best. For example, right now I'm the manager at an office where I started as a receptionist. Now if you asked me, 'Did you want to get that promotion and become a manager?' HELL NO. I just wanted to be left alone, almost in obscurity, a path that at least for a little while would have satisfied my urge for stability. But here I am, in a job I only really hate because my bosses are complete idiots, but it's a job I hate none the less.

I would say that type-A is also a condition of my second fear, mostly because I'm worried that I'll never find that person for me; even if it's only for a short while. If I thought I could be happy alone, or just kind of shuffling from one meaningless attachment to the next, then maybe this wouldn't matter. But it's hard to imagine myself happy that way. It's hard to imagine my future, see myself alone, and think 'that's ok with me.'

Wow. This post has turned unexpectedly depressing. Oh well, that's what happens I guess when you decide to write about your greatest fears. To at least give you a bit of hope that my life is not completely on a downward spiral, I'll use my next post to talk about my 2010 monthly goals! Thanks for reading!

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