Tuesday, July 3, 2018

A big part of my trip to NY this past weekend was going to see in person a lot of the brands I'd only been able to interact with online: Sezane, Christy Dawn, The Frankie Shop, etc. You know, those big, usually more ethically minded darlings, that spoke to me aesthetically but who's size charts I was dubious of (to say the least). And in the end, while I'm glad I got to try things on, damn if it wasn't a bit of a blow to the ego.

I already knew that ethical brands didn't really welcome the inbetweenie/plus size customer. Outside of Universal Standard, I'm not even sure I could name another one focused on that demographic (Elizabeth Suzann kind of does, but their "Plus One Size" doesn't feel nearly descriptive enough to justify the price tag). Ultimately what I found myself faced with were pieces that either didn't fit, or fit so badly as to be comical, because the brand themselves didn't create clothing with curves - let alone big boobs - in mind. This usually isn't enough to get me down, but after the same experience in store after store, I'm not going to lie to you and say that it didn't.

When living in the interesting mindf*ck of a time where body positivity is being used to usher in a new wave of personal insecurities, being faced yet again with brands that didn't want or care about my body was annoying. And hurtful. The mental work I go through on the regular to try and reprogram the things my brain sees as "good" and "desirable" is exhausting enough, and when these brands that purport to disrupt the maintstream still act to enforce the extremely narrow definitions of beauty that are already all over the media, it's just another kick when I'm down.

Being a lover of fashion and a consumer/creator of content in the community means my personal style is a journey of discovery just as much as the rest of my life. I fall in love with people and places and feelings and hope that I can replicate them, but rarely do I feel like the inspiration stays true to the vision. For good or ill, once it's on me - curvy, average height me - it's not going to be what it looks like on anyone else.

I think the new hard mental work will be me getting to the place that NOT looking like it does on everyone else is ok. Great event. I'm not sure I'll be getting to the "love my body" place any time soon (if ever, if I'm being honest - I still can't see my FUPA as anything but a problem (which I'm also embarrassed to admit)) but I'm trying.

So please excuse my word vomit, in and among pictures of myself I was viscerally uncomfortable in, both because I felt like it highlighted features of my self I don't show often (tummy and legs) and also because I don't like male attention and I felt like this rode the line of making me a target (which I recognize is their problem and I shouln't make it mine, but here we are).

Dress: Free People (Size Large) ~ Purse: Anthropologie (old) ~ Sandals: & Other Stories (Size 9) ~ Sunglasses: LOFT ~ Necklaces: World Market & Missoma

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